To you boys, may you know your beginnings

Such a complex and significant /troubled beginning.

To the beautiful, strong and determined little boys with the completely opposite personalities the strong, stubborn and independent one and the quiet, observant and serious one. You little boys are truly such a surprise that was completely and utterly unexpected. Your story started years before you were born. In 2009 the loss of my parents sent me into a dark place a place of loneliness, confusion and questioning the purpose of it all. I met your father in Feb 2010. We meet at a grocery store and started talking. He had just moved back from Indy and was trying to make a fresh start. I offered to be his friend and we got to know each other. It was a whirlwind of emotions and uncertainties. We dated for 5 years and during those times there were happy and sad times. We both were battling our unresolved demons and it made it difficult to be healthy for one another. We parted ways in Feb 2015 on not the best of terms but at the time we both needed to address things within ourselves. Two years passed I received opportunities and made efforts to work through things and your father was able to focus on building his business and becoming successful in those endeavors. In February of 2017 your father reached out to me and tried to address and be on decent terms with one another. We still had uncertainties and fears and feelings of betrayal which both of us hadn’t addressed. We tried to work through these things but to no avail. Your father was struggling with the choices of a lifestyle that wasn’t beneficial to him and I was not able to look past it and hoped that he would help himself to get better. Ultimately that lead to a very difficult and uncertain pregnancy riddled with sadness and an overwhelming sense of fear. How was I supposed to be able to provide for two precious little boys and give them the life they truly needed all while doing it alone without my family to be there? This time while watching you grow and develop and feeling your little kicks and seeing you both interact with one another was truly such a miracle. The miracle of a child is truly amazing and to experience a twin pregnancy was in itself a feet of sheer determination and strength. I must admit that although during the time I didn’t appreciate the whole experience it truly was amazing. I managed to have a healthy pregnancy without any real complications.

Those 9 months were filled with many tears, fears and questions. I wanted so desperately to be the mother you deserved and provide you with the opportunities you needed but also knew the enormity of the situation. Being a single mom to twins is overwhelming even to the most self sufficient and strong individuals. It was truly mind boggling to fathom. As the months passed and you both continued to grow I increasingly became uncertain of the best path for you. It plagued me the entire pregnancy. I truly tried to keep a smile on and be positive but in my mind I worried immensely for your future. Would you be ok would you be able to have a life filled with happiness and fond memories and to be able to have a childhood with positive role models and a good family life? I didn’t really grow up knowing that certainty and neither did your father. This fear plagued me and I knew the importance of trying to ensure your future was the up most importance. I looked into adoption throughout the pregnancy trying to push it to the back of my mind because I truly wanted to be your mother so very much. Everyone kept saying think of them they deserve better. That is truly disheartening and insensitive of those who you love and trust to say such dismissive comments, although they weren’t coming from a hurtful or mean place.

Onto the story of your birth, one that is quiet comical actually. I had kept telling people you should be born in 2017 but was scheduled for a c section January 4 2018. You 2 had other plans.  It was December 31st 2017, new years eve and I had a feeling you 2 would make your appearance that day. I could feel the sharp pain in my back and was having difficulty walking. Your grandfather had come in that day and was mentioning to me that I should go to the hospital. I shrugged it off and continued working but the pain wouldn’t subside. I was urged by my co-workers to go to the hospital but decided to finish up my shift. I finished up around 5 pm that evening and decided it would be best to go see if everything was ok. When I arrived to the hospital it was extremely quiet most people were off and out celebrating with their families but I was there is the cold dark room texting my sister, your father and a friend. I was extremely scared. I was checked in around 6pm. The doctor came in checked to see how many cm I was. I was 4cm and little baby A little J s foot was sticking out. I was prepped for surgery and wheeled into the operating room. To say I was scared was an understatement. I was petrified. Your father was by my side. I was shaking and crying. The doctor prepped the table and set everything up. He was playing some rock music at the time. They informed me they were going to begin and made their first incision. A few minutes passed which felt like an eternity and the doctor informed us that Baby A (little J) was born then one minute after Baby B (Little G later changed to M) was born. You two were both responsive, crying and truly amazing. Baby A was 6lb 4 oz and 19 1/2 inches born at 820 pm while Baby B was 5lb 14 oz and 19 in born at 821 pm. You both were perfectly healthy and full of color and life. A true miracle.

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